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Grief And The Holidays

A question commonly asked by bereaved people at this time of year is, "How can I get through the holidays?" There is no single answer. One important guiding principle is: do what is comfortable. Some people find it helpful to be with family and friends, emphasizing the familiar. Others may wish to avoid old sights and sounds, perhaps even taking a trip. Others will find new ways to acknowledge the season.

Whatever your response, remember these points:

Plan for the approaching holidays. Be aware that this might be a difficult time for you. It's not uncommon to feel out of sorts with the celebratory tone of the season. The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively, and physically; this is a normal reaction. It is important to be prepared for these feelings.

Recognize that holidays won't be the same. If you try to keep everything as it was, you'll be disappointed. Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving continuity with the past. Different menus, changing decorations, attending a different service, or even celebrating in a different location may provide that slight but significant shift. However, be aware that your feelings will still be there. If you decide on a change, be careful not to isolate yourself.

The holidays may affect other family members. Talk over your plans. Respect their choices and needs, and compromise if necessary. Everyone (including yourself) should participate in ways that are comfortable.

Avoid additional stress. Decide what you really want to do and what can be avoided. Perhaps cards don't need to be sent, or shopping can be done by phone or catalog. Do the right thing: not what others think is right, but what you need and want to do.

8 Ideas for the Approaching the Holiday Season

1) Stay connected to your feelings.

Give yourself time to express your emotions.

Find out how you best express your feelings -- by doing or writing or sharing with another, meditating, or being active. Everyone has their own style.

2) Think about what will be helpful for yourself and your family in the present.

Do not continue old traditions if they do not work for you. Especially the first year, it is often good to do something different. For example, one family I spoke with decided to take a trip and celebrated the holidays in a different country. The following year they had a more traditional Christmas at home. Another person went to Florida and swam with the Dolphins. She reported that the experience changed her life.

3) Incorporate memories of the person into your holiday traditions.

Have someone read a poem or prayer in their honor. Create a memory quilt. Light a candle.

4) Do not feel guilty for how you feel.

If you find that you are happy or enjoy some aspect of the holiday, it is OK. If you are not feeling happy, it is still OK. Don't try to live up to others’ expectations of how you should feel. Sometimes family and friends will disapprove of the bereaved person if they do not seem to have the emotions that the family expects. Sometimes we carry our own expectations of how we should be instead of accepting how we feel.

It is normal to have many mixed emotions during the bereavement process and especially so on the holidays.

5) Find ways of giving to others.

When you are feeling sad and empty inside it can help to give and reach out to others in more need than yourself. Some families go to soup kitchens on Thanksgiving or other holidays. Others create a memorial fund and raise money to help others.

6) Avoid overindulgence with alcohol and food during the holidays.

Eating and drinking too much are often ways of avoiding or masking underlying emotions.

Eating and drinking too much are risks during periods of bereavement in general.

7) Explore the traditions of your faith concerning mourning and remembering.

Many of the holidays specifically involve light. Try lighting a candle for the person who has died or even creating a candle-lighting memorial part of the celebration.

8) Don't be afraid to ask for professional help if you are feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions, are finding yourself immobilized by your grief, or are having other adverse experiences or behaviors.

The holidays present unique challenges for those who are grieving. By taking special care in planning for them and being aware of your emotions, you will be able to survive them, and maybe find a new meaning in them for yourself and your family.